The Queen of All Things Fecal

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fecal transplant

The Queen of  All Things Fecal

A children’s story about fecal microbiota transplant.
Parental supervision recommended.

Once upon a time in a faraway land at the bottom of the world, lived the Queen of All Things Fecal.

The Queen had not always been the Queen of All Things Fecal. For many years she ruled her kingdom unconcerned with poop matters. Then one day her digestive system imploded.  Her poop misbehaved, making her food poison and her life misery. All the things she loved were lost to her. For years she searched high and low for a cure. At her command were the best alchemists, astrologers, sorcerers, soothsayers, wizards and white witches. One by one they were beheaded.  Like Humpty Dumpty, none could put her digestive system back together again.

Then one day along came a Humble Turd.  He bowed deeply to the embittered Queen, beckoned her close and whispered,

“I am but a Humble Turd. Every day I am disdained and flushed away without thought for my magical healing properties. Yet within my smelly entrails resides the Great Microbiome that bequeaths life, health and vitality to those it inhabits. You call me waste yet you can’t live without me. For every one of your human cells you have TEN of mine. You love to mock me yet you are more shite than human.”

The Queen shuddered with rage at the suggestion that she was no more than poop. “How dare you insult your Queen you arrogant Turd” she shrieked.

Humble Turd stood his ground, eyes downcast as was required due to his lowly position. He ventured quietly, “Your Majesty – how badly do you want to return to health?

 “I would do absolutely anything to return to health” snapped the Queen.

“Anything?”  Humble Turd asked slowly.

“Yes. Anything.”  The Queen spat, the furrow in her brow becoming an abyss.

“What you need to understand Your Majesty, is that you have destroyed me.”  Humble Turd raised his head and stared defiantly into the eyes of his Queen. “As you travelled down the birth canal into this world I gave you a mouthful of my good healthy bugs to populate your gut and give you good health. Yet as time went on you tried to kill me by shovelling down anti-biotics, pharmaceuticals, alcohol and fibre-free food. Each time I tried to grow back but you would not stop, you would not listen to the warning signals I sent. You even tried to replace me with bugs from a bottle but they were fakes and did not work.”

By this time the Queen was sobbing. The words of the Humble Turd rang true. She realised the enormity of what she had done.

“Will you let me help you?  asked Humble Turd, eyes pierced.

The Queen nodded. She was too distressed to speak.

Humble Turd drew a deep breath. In a flash he jumped up the Queen’s rear-end and planted good bugs throughout her royal digestive system. Over the following weeks the Queen could feel a battle raging as good fought bad. Within 3 months the bad bugs had fled and her food no longer poisoned her.

The Queen rewarded Humble Turd for his noble work by catapulting him to No 1 position within her royal court, being Turd In Chief. She re-named her kingdom All Things Fecal out of respect for the Great Microbiome that continues to keep her and her subjects healthy. Humble Turd became Minister for Education and introduced Fecology into schools so that children would stop laughing at him, start feeding him properly and learn to respect their largest organ, the Great Microbiome within.

From that day on, the inhabitants of All Things Fecal lived happily ever after. Their robust Microbiomes are the envy of the free world.

Let’s keep that world free by making sure that sick people have control over their bodies and that safe accessible FMT becomes available to all who need it.


The End


WARNING: The Queen did not have modern-day pathology tests. You do. ALWAYS test your donor. NEVER use un-tested poop.


©  Tracy Mac  2013

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